Ask the Bad Touch TriO
by NaomiToriyama
Summary: Naomi Toriyama's failed attempt at an ask the Bad Touch Trio fic...  Rated M because...I'm pretty sure the chapter ratings will vary and, you know, better safe than sorry...
1. Chapter 1

Naomi: Hello, Hetalia fans, I am your host, Naomi Toriyama. I have captured the Bad Touch Trio so you can all ask them questions.

Spain: **Reaches out from a crate that I stuffed him in that was once filled with tomatoes** Help us...Please...

Prussia: **Sitting on a couch next to Naomi** You're only in there because you let Romano try to kill her.

Spain: SHE WAS A CRAZY FANGIRL! What was I supposed to do, Gilbert?

France: I did not mind getting captured by a beautiful fangi-

Naomi: **serious face** Hungary lent me one of her best frying pans.

France: I'll behave then.

Spain: Can I please come out?

Naomi: No, you're in time-out, Spain, deal with it, you can come out next time when we get some questions.

Spain: I promise I'll be good, I'll give you lots and lots of _tomats_ if you let me out!

Naomi: I'm not one to eat tomatoes, thanks.

Spain: Ah...Crap...Um...What do you like? Oh, yeah, that's right! I'll give you lots and lots of churros!

Naomi: I can make them myself.

Spain: Um...I know! How about a Spanish omlette?

Naomi: USTED SABE QUE HACER TORTILLAS DE ESPANOL?

Spain: Yo soy del pais de Espana...

Naomi: Prussia, se la palanca que yo era una tortilla Espanola AHORA!

Prussia: Que?

Noami: GET THE DAMN CROWBAR!

Prussia: What about the introduction?

Naomi: Screw the introduction I probably won't get anyone to ask us a question.

France: Well...Um... **looks at Prussia and Naomi using a crowbar to get Spain out** Oui...Ask us a question and when we get enough we'll answer them next week...Or whenever...

**Spain waves goodbye once we get him out**


	2. Chapter 2

Naomi: Alright, we got bored again, so we're not waiting, we're gonna answer the ONLY question we've been asked and hope people will ask more...

France: Are you sure about this? I mean, there's only one...

Naomi: I don't give a damn, you're going to read and answer the question and I'm not going to hear shit about it.

Prussia: You became a little Romano, haven't you?

Naomi: **looks down** My sister moved back in...

Spain: And Romano says my friends are a bad influence...

France: Moving along, let's read the questions!

Naomi: Alright, this question is from WindMirrorAutumn and she says...

**I'll take your churros, Spain :) Thank you for capturing them, Naomi~ I'll ask my questions now, aru!**

**Question for Prussia! Why are you so awesome, dear Gilbert? How do you manage?**

**Question for France. Are you sure you're a man? Oh wait, we've seen you naked during the Olympics...ummmm, did you feel hurt when England rejected your marriage offer?**

**Question for Spain~ First of all, dear Spain...you know you're my favourite member of the Bad Friends Trio, right? I quite adore you. Now...will you marry me? :D**

**...Kidding! Spain, do you plan to propose to Romano again? I know he rejected you the first time round because you asked Italy first...in my opinion you had it coming (Romano's never second best, you know!), but you really should try again. You love your Lovi, right~?**

**That's all for now, I think. Goodbye, aru!**

Naomi: You're welcome, WMA. (^_^)

Spain: I already gave my churros to Romano...

Prussia: Awesome, I have a question! Why am I so awesome...? Because I am! I manage to be awesome because it was an awesome thing I was born with.

France: Yes, apparently "awesome" is something you are born with. Like how I was born gorgeous. **pretty pose** Am I a man? How dare you ask something outrageous like that! Of course I am a man. I'm not the one who gave birth to Canada, no matter what Naomi's fanfictions say.

Naomi: Whatever you say, Franny...

France: It didn't exactly 'hurt' when he rejected me. I only wanted him to marry be because I was becoming bankrupt.

Prussia: Swallow much?

France: You have so much room to speak.

Prussia: Of course I do, I'm awesome!

France: As if that counts-

Spain: **noms on tomatoes**

Naomi: SHUDDUP! Get along or I will beat you all within an inch of your life. Except for Spain, because he's being a good little Spaniard. Also, Spain, it's your turn.

Spain: _Que_~? Oh, I got a question. (^_^) Will I marry her? **Pales** Oh, it's a joke... **nervous laugh** I actually wanted to propose to both of the Italians, but Italy was the only one around at the moment...

Naomi: Polygamist...

Spain: I didn't mean to make Romano second best, but...He likes to hit me a lot...I might propose to him...

Naomi: France, Prussia, NOW!  
><strong>France and Prussia bring in a struggling Romano<strong>

Romano: What the fuck do you want?

Naomi: Spain wants to say something. **pushes Spain to him**

Spain: Romano... **gets on one knee** I know you got mad at me for trying to marry both you and your brother-

Romano: This better be going somewhere, you tomato eating asshole...

Spain: -I love you, Romano. Please give me another chance and marry me?

Naomi: **fangirl squeal**

Romano: **turns tomato red** I...I... **darker blush** I suppose...

France: I want to be the flower girl!

Naomi: You're a grown man...

Prussia: Learn to do with right! She's gotta be a flower girl. Let's dress her up in an awesome poofy dress!

Naomi: Wait, no, SPAIN! HELP!

Spain: **busy making out with Romano**


	3. Chapter 3

Naomi: Welcome to another segment of Ask the Bad Touch Trio.  
>Spain: Hola!<br>France: Bonjour!  
>Prussia: Hallo!<br>Naomi: It appears we won't get very many unless we continue with what little questions we get, so we're going to continue!  
>France: At least our fans have sent in more than one question...<br>Prussia: They only sent in two...  
>Spain: It's better than having no questions, no?<br>Prussia: Our fans don't love us anymore! **dramatic pose**  
>Naomi: Oh, relax, they love you... I just happen to be a horrible writer, so they're not writing back because I suck at writing almost as much as England sucks at cooking.<br>France: _**Merci! **_Finally, someone else notices.  
>Naomi: We all knew it, we just didn't wanna say anything. We're not all rude inconsiderate people who flirt with everything that moves and have problems telling a man apart from a woman.<br>France: Do you have something against the descendants of Grandfather Rome?  
>Naomi: I have a list to suppport me now. 1) You have questions to answer. 2) No, Spain, Italy, Romano, Greece, Egypt, and I all get along perfectly. I just don't like you because I'm pretty sure you're the one who raided my panty drawer. I don't have proof yet, but when I do, you're dead.<br>Spain: Question time!  
>Naomi: Yeah, yeah, let's see...This first question is from Alina Wolve and she says...<p>

Oh my gods! Love you guys like I love big gigantic pickles!  
>Gilbert: ok so I did some digging in my family history and I am descended from Prussians! Just wanted to ask if I can be your little sister and how are you born awesome?<br>Francis: I honestly don't know what to think of you so, did you cry when England took Canada from you and made him a British colony after the French and Indian war?  
>Antonio: one question and one question only, can I come to your wedding. And if I can do you think you can convince Romano to let me hug him and you?<p>

France: **le gasp!** She likes gigantic pickles... Ohonhonho~  
>Naomi: <strong>beats France upside the head with a news paper<strong> Bad Frenchman! Bad! You do not make sexual jokes without my permission!  
>Prussia: Whoa, Francis got beaten up by a girl with a news paper <strong>laughs ass off<br>**Naomi: He _is _a girl! ….A Yuri girl...With a penis...You all saw him at the Olympics in Greece!  
>Prussia: Are you alright?<br>Naomi: Yeah, my brain just over loaded again, I'll be fine. 

Prussia: I suppose you can. I don't know if West will enjoy me bringing home a little sister without me asking about it... How am I born awesome? I just was. It's in your genetics. Sadly, West didn't get the awesome genes...  
>France: Ah, little <em>Matthieu<em>, I remember from when he was a little _bebe_... He never _did _make much noise, even back then when he was still in diapers. I was a little upset that _Angleterre_ stole him away from me, but it didn't make much difference at my house. It was extremely quiet either way.  
>Antonio: Of course you can come, but Naomi has taken Best...Wait, Naomi, how does this work?<br>Naomi: I'm a descendant of Spaniards, Antonio, and not a single damn thing in my family makes a lick of sense, why should the position of Best Maid in your wedding make _any_ sense?  
>Antonio: I make perfect sense...<br>Naomi: Then apparently my family came from the 'reject' Spaniards pile, because one second, I'm looking at you and totally proud of my heritage, and then I look at my Grand-mama and die a little inside...  
>Antonio: I'll adopt you!<br>Romano: **comes in **NO! We're not adopting her. There are enough idiots around our house without her inviting Canada to the house and having one of his little 'parties'!  
>Naomi: I will get the doctor who slapped you in the other fanfic!<br>Romano: YOU WOULDN'T DARE!  
>Spain: Come over here, Lovi, we don't have much longer to go. You can sit in my lap until we're done. Then we can make all kinds of good food once we get home. (^_^)<br>Romano: ….Fine... **sits in Spain's **You can hug Spain all you want, but touch me and die.  
>Prussia: Someone's being a generous person. Hug your fiancee and his perfect ass all they want <em>and <em>a free trip to the next life if they touch you. I've never known you were that generous.  
>Romano: Shut the fuck up, you fucking potato-sucking asshole!<br>Prussia: **smiles** He gave me a nickname!

France: ….Moving along...

Naomi: Our next and laast question comes from Francine

Francine is holding Brooklyn in her lap- "LET ME GO YOU WANKER!" Ohonhonhon~ not happening "LET ME GO OR I'LL SET YOUR HAIR ON FIRE!" Your bluffing you don't have a lighter nor any of your black magic books. I can do much worse considering your position. "-Stops squirming- -/- Fine." ^.^ much better Iggiko. Anyways I just wanted to ask if you guys knew that you have female counterparts. bye bye! (oh by the way Maria might be showing up soon.)

~Francine

Naomi: Alright, do any of you know about your female counterparts?

France: Of course we do; they are our fraternal twins.

Spain: Yes, we all have twins. Even Romano has a twin, but I prefer the Romano I grew up with instead his twin sister.

Prussia: West's twin is kind of cute. She's got melons the size of my head!

Naomi: ...Al...righty then...Well, thanks for reading. See you next time


	4. Chapter 4

Naomi: Hello one and all to another segment of Ask the Bad Touch Trio!  
>Romano: Hurry it up, Feliciano is going to force me to plan the wedding with him today...<br>Naomi: You're not even part of the Bad Touch Trio, why, in the Holy name of God and Jebus Christ would you be part of this?  
>Romano: Spain dragged me here, and don't call him "Jebus"! <strong>holds out Catholic Rosary<strong>  
>Naomi: If you're implying that I burst into flames whenever I'm around something holy, you're completely and totally right, <em><strong>but<strong>_ you need to get me a lock of Russia's hair for it to work. **fangirl smile  
><strong>France: **le gasp** How could you, Naomi? I can't believe you have a bigger obsession to that simple communist over me!  
>Naomi: Because between you and him, he's less likely to dump me for someone less ethnic confused , maybe another full-blooded French person, I dunno, compared to the other people I've met that are 100% of a certain race, I'm not the prettiest person ever... (_)<br>Spain: What's there to be confused about? You are Spanish like me! (^_^)  
>Naomi: On my mom's side. My dad's side is Mexican. Everytime I get drunk I pull an England... I don't know if I'm Hispanic or if I'm a Spaniard!<br>Spain: **places Spanish flag on top of Naomi's head** I claim this fangirl in the name of Spain!  
>Prussia: France, get the camera, it's coming back. We'll get proof this time!<br>Spain: Proof of what, Gilbert? **airy smile**  
>Prussia: <strong>sing-songy<strong> Nothing!  
>France: We only have a Polaroid... Naomi is so cheap she doesn't have a good camera...<br>Prussia: We can't let this opportunity go! He won't admit he's two-faced until we have proof!  
>Spain: <strong>Innocent face<strong> Do you really think I'm two-faced? I'm surprised; you should know me better than that...  
>Prussia: Damn, he caught on again...<br>France: **sigh** Well, madame, we will consider you a mutt until we can figure out what the hell you are.  
>Naomi: Riiiight... Let's just... crack open the questions. Our first question comes from Lilium, and she says... <p>

Hi there~

I'm a BBT fangirl, and proud of it! So...

To France-

-hugs- I loves you! 3 You're my favorite in the whole series! I really don't get why everyone hates you, you're just so lovable! ^^ Whenever you need a hug (...or something else ;)..) I'm here for you!

Okay, okay, a question. I was in history class when I learned your name used to be Gaul. LOL. Wooooow. Why Gaul? Just... Why? XD

To Spain-

You're adorable. I can't help but smile when you come on screen :D

First question, can I have some tomatoes please?

Second question, can I borrow your battle axe? I need to use it on people who don't know where you are... _

To Prussia-

You're awesome! But you already knew that. It makes me sad because no one knows who you are in my grade, and then I have to give them a lecture/rant. I then tell them to protect their vital regions xD

My question is, what do you think of the Germancest yaoi/incest pairing? I've seen some pretty hardcore fanart...

I'll be awaiting your responses :D

XOXO,

Lilium

(PS. The first one of you to guess the meaning of the name gets a... Well, sumthin... Hint: The name is Latin.)

France: Ohonhonhon~ I do not need a hug, but I know something to do need. **Winks  
><strong>Naomi: And you were upset because I asked for a lock of Russia's hair?  
>France: But of course I was, look at him! What do you honestly see in him?<br>Naomi: I'm not in love with Russia. **Blush** Even if I was, he wouldn't like me...  
>France: <strong>clears throat<strong> I was not Gaul. Gaul was another Grandfather of mine, I had my grandfather Rome, who took over my Grandfather Gaul... Even if it was me, I can't choose my country's name; just my name as an individual. Just like if Naomi was a country-  
>Naomi: I am a country, you jerk!<br>France: Oh? Which one?  
>Naomi: Well... I'm... Xing...<br>Romano: So... You're Japan's counterpart from FullMetal Alchemist?  
>Naomi: Yep... Although I don't know if it's Japan or China, but point is I'm Xing... And somehow got converted into a Spaniard when I came over to this universe... It's... Kind of... Extremely... complicated...<br>Romano: This means your related to Amestris, doesn't it?  
>Naomi: Yes, I'm related to Germany's Alchemist counterpart. It's kinda messed up.<br>Spain: What did Amestris get converted into?  
>Naomi: ….Can we please just continue with the questions?<br>Spain: I wanna know what became of Amestris!  
>Naomi: You'll all find out when you all answer your questions.<br>Spain: Alright ^_^ I look forward to this. Thank you, Lilium, for having me as your favorite. Of course you can have tomatoes, there's plenty for everyone! Even for all the viewers of Naomi's Baby fic.  
>Romano: I'm still killing Naomi for writing it...<br>Spain: Don't blame her, it's the viewers who made it popular, Lovi~  
>Naomi: I can take him. Don't stop answering.<br>Prussia: We have a hard time staying on task, don't we?  
>France: I'm sorry, having a cute little Italian here is very distracting.<br>Romano: If you don't stay away from me...  
>Spain: Don't worry, Lovi! We only have a few more to do. <strong>Reads question again<strong> My axe is just for show now. I polish it regularly, and it's in good shape, but I don't want it to get broken on accident, I'm sorry. Your turn, Prussia. (^_^)  
>Prussia: <strong>reads his question <strong>Who ever doesn't know me it the most unawesome person on the face of the earth...Germacest...? Well...That's not _totally_ untrue...Although it's not the same now that he's got Feliciano, and I really don't have a problem with it, he was my brother, after all.  
>France: Ludwig will never admit it happened, though.<br>Prussia: Oh, hell no, he'll never admit it. You don't even need to tell them that for them to know.  
>Naomi: She says you might get a prize if you can figure out what her name means...<br>France: It's the same name of the song you listen to when you hide in the corner and cry...  
>Naomi: Shut up... Hetaoni is sad... <strong>sniff<br>**Prussia: I don't know a damn thing about Latin... It's all on Spain and France.  
>Spain: I'm not sure... Lovi~? Your language is based on Latin, too...<br>Romano: I'm just waiting for us to get the hell out of here.  
>Spain: Awww, pleeeeeeeeeease, Lovino?<br>Romano: **sigh **It's a type of flower, I suppose.  
>Naomi: Well, it's dangerously close to "Lily", so, maybe...?<br>Romano: I don't give a damn anymore. Let's just get this over with.  
>Naomi: Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your curl on.<br>Romano: **death glares Naomi**  
>Naomi: <strong>unphased<strong> Alright, our next questions comes from OtakusUnite and they ask... 

Hi!~ I'm Virginia~ The first born of America and England XD Just Kidding ._.

France: Uncle Iggy says to stay away from you. =_=. By the way can I test a curse on you? :D By the way Louisiana keeps speaking in French and I don't understand...

Prussia:Ur pretty awesome but, I got some awesome history! Hey...are my uncle too?

Spain: Hola Espana! Como estas? You're so cute! You have rubbed off on me too much...=_= I think all the little people are cute =w=. So what was it like exploring the new world? Texas, New Mexico, and Florida all want to see you...So does that damn Californian bitch! TT^TT Why does she get to have all the Vocaloid Concerts?

One more question for France and Prussia:

When Romano was a chibi, what did you guys do to him? Did you molest him or were you two being good parents? Explain.~ XD

Well that's all for now West Virginia is bugging me so I'm going to use my unicorn to cast a spell on him~ Bye-Bye~

France: **Le gasp** oh, no, the child is listening to _Angleterre_, she's going to be incredibly corrupted!  
>Naomi: Yeah, that means <em><strong>a lot <strong>_coming from a guy that's in a group called "the Bad Touch Trio"...  
>France: Don't make fun of me, <em>mon cher, <em>it's horrible for the child's well being. How could she trust him?  
>Naomi: Just answer the damn questions...<br>France: Fine... It depends, little Virgin – I mean, Virginia...

**Naomi facepalms in the background**  
>France: <strong>continues<strong> What kind of curse might it be? And tell little Louisiana that I miss him and I will see him soon, I have missed that little boy, but sadly America stole him away... **dramatic sigh**  
>Spain: Little people? <em>Que<em>? Oh, the New World? **Smirk** It was wonderful. I got to conquer everything in sight; It was a wonderful time for my country, we had everything!  
>Romano: Naomi, he's got that look again...<br>Naomi: Relax, it'll be gone in a moment... It's not like he's going to claim anyone else. He can't even really claim me; my country is in another dimension.  
>Spain: Don't talk about Cali like that, Virginia, she's still your sister, after all, different influences or not.<br>Prussia: **reads his question, starts laughing ass off **Hahahahahaha...France, she thinks that we raised Romano.  
>Romano: Oh, hell, you assholes never raised me.<br>France: I would have, but Spain wouldn't let me have you and even if Spain did you wouldn't let me get anywhere close to you.  
>Naomi: Can I please ask what changed? I never saw Romano get anywhere close to you.<br>Prussia: I never understood why Romano is scared of France...  
>Romano: After what I've seen, I don't want a damn thing to do with that frog-kissing bastard.<br>Spain: Either way, I never "molested" Romano...  
>Romano: You filthy liar...<br>Spain: Wanting and regretting it later isn't the same as molesting or rape. And, technically, you did want it...  
>Naomi: Back then I don't even think it was considered molesting... You got Romano back when sword fighting was a regular everyday thing...<br>Spain: That, too. **sheepish smile  
><strong>All: Bye, Virginia! (^_^)

Naomi: Alright, next we have a question from Alina_Wolve again, and she asks... 

Gilbert: I'm pretty sure west won't care. I'm pretty calm(except when I'm drunk). And how was west when you raised him?

Francis: that's it? I thought you cared about Mattie! *smacks you*

Antonio: yeah~ thank you. I'm sure it will be a lively wedding. You're going to have churros right?

Romano: *extreme puppy dog eyes* you hate me don't you? *crys* why does everyone in this world gate me!

Prussia: Alright, awesome. Hmm... Well, he wasn't nearly as stuck up back then as he is now... I don't know what happened, but he just ended up way too strict...  
>France: <strong>rubs cheek <strong>I _do _care about my little Canada, but he is his own country now, besides, he is so quiet, and it's hard to have a good time around someone who you can barely understand because they mumble.  
>Spain: Of course I'll make churros. It's not a celebration without churros, you know. (^_^)<br>Romano: I'm not part of the trio, why in the name of fuck are you asking me questions?  
>Naomi: Lovino, play nice.<br>Romano: If I "play nice", I'll die. Just like if you touch a holy cross you burst into flames...  
>Spain: He's right, actually...<br>Naomi: Fair enough... Alright, last one. This comes from Maria, and _she _says... 

-eye twitch- Is that really the first thing I hear you say about my sister? 'She's got melons the size of my head!' WTF DUDE? -mumbles perverted dirty rotten little mumbles- Way to make a good first impression! You wouldn't want test me I know "things" - By the way did you know there's a place called Fucking,Austria? And also if you EVER mention my sister bosom again I might end up KILLING you.

~Maria

Naomi: Umm... Gilbert... I think you might be in trouble...  
>Prussia: Hm? Sorry, I was thinking about West's twin's boobs again. I bet they wouldn't even fit into two hands. <strong>smirk<strong>  
>France: She is quite "feminine", isn't she? <strong>Grins<br>Naomi glares at France  
><strong>France: But her breasts aren't as lovely as-  
>Naomi: Shut up or I will beat you with a frying pan and stab you thirty-seven times in the chest while watching Llamas with Hats.<br>France: **gulps** Yes, Naomi...

Naomi: Well, there you have it. See you next time.  
>Spain: You said you'd tell us what happened to Amestris...<br>Naomi: I lied. You don't get to find out until someone gives me reason to tell them. And I don't see you giving me any real reason to say anything... 


End file.
